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Flakes, Flautas, and More Flakes


The Winter Olympics are awful. The reason they happen only once every four years is so that people forget how boring figure skating truly is. What the hell is curling, anyway? It appears to be a team shuffleboard sport with some sort of housekeeping fetish. WomenÂ’s hockey? Really? How come Sonny Bono had to die while skiing, but Bode Miller is still allowed to live? He should hit a tree just because his name is Bode. Then he has to whine and cry about how hard it is to be famous. Bode Miller is famous? Since when?

HelloÂ…Is This Thing On?


Okay, in keeping with the spirit of this column, IÂ’ve got to Tell da Troof: Only one person emailed me about my column last month. Well, considering this column is based on the questions and responses of you, the readers of Red Shtick Magazine, getting only one response makes for a pretty easy day at the desktop for me and a really short f–kinÂ’ article! Okay people, let me say this once more, email me. Ask me something or respond to the question of the month. I donÂ’t care what you ask or how you respond.

Yes, Virginia: The Carpet Does Match the Drapes


I do think there are truly natural blondes, and there are ones that have been converted from the other side of the aisle. When you go grocery shopping, do you take a list or just wing it? Being in retail, I always take a list, just so I know what IÂ’m doing and donÂ’t look like a total fool when I venture out in public.

Oh, but not the ever-so-regal blonde ones. They just go for it, like, “IÂ’m going to a Mardi Gras ball, and I need some jewelry to go with my dress and shoes.” 

“Well, what color is your dress?”

February 2006



Dear Fellow Chocolatarians:


What’s all the fuss about? Mayor Ray Nagin – or, as his close friends like to call him, Count Chocula – why is everyone criticizing the guy for thinking out of the box? Okay, so it was a Valentine’s box, but maybe his heart was in the right place.

A Nice Place to Visit, But I WouldnÂ’t Want to Live There


If you were not aware, I am a man. I love the ladies, and every so often, the ladies get drunk enough to love me back. As a man, I was born with certain paraphernalia that the ladies were not, and vice versa. I know that the ladies don’t have the same amenities that we do because, as I said, sometimes they get drunk and I get educated. I think we are all mature enough adults to know what it is I am referring to without me reverting to such childish names as “wiener” and “noony.”

LetÂ’s Eracism This Month


This month is Black History Month. Instead of spending column inches on what the seemingly racist Mayor Nagin said about God’s “Chocolate Plan” for the Big Easy, I am going to comment on what I feel is the root of the ever-growing problem: racism. So prepare yourself, for I may actually make sense.

Black President Love Month


Ahh, February. It’s the month of love, the month of presidents, the month of Black History. Therefore, it’s the month of Black President Love. But since there’s not been a black president yet, we have to either wait until that happens or just send a card to Bill Clinton. He is, in the words of Dyna Girl from the Electra Woman movie of ’76, “close enough.”


Medi-SIN-al Tax


So the governor didnÂ’t get the money for the teachers. Let me drop some mad hood logic on the electorate. You donÂ’t necessarily have to tax tobacco. ThatÂ’s the wrong cash crop to tax. You need to tax the medicinal herb. (ThatÂ’s marijuana for you white folks; dank for you black folks out there.)

I know what you’re saying: “It’s illegal.” But you still can get money off that cash crop. Lemme tell ya’ how you do it. All you have to do is tax zig-zags, blunt wraps, flavored blunt cigars, bongs, cigarette rollers, tweezers, and late-night Taco Bell profits.


Higher Power Education


Would you like to attend college, but youÂ’re fed up with traditional institutions of higher learning? If so, please consider a Bible college! There are many reasons why both high school students and partially mentally retarded adults alike should consider a higher education in Christ. Ivy League schools are typically out of reach both academically and financially. Perhaps the state colleges are too secular or impersonal for your liking. Maybe the technical collegesÂ’ requirements to learn an actual trade are too demanding.


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