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Why I CanÂ’t Leave You People Alone for an Extended Amount of Time

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Look, people, itÂ’s really simple: I left for a few months, leaving civilization for a little while, all in the hands of you nice folks. I come back, and look at the mess yÂ’all made. I canÂ’t keep cleaning up after you people. ItÂ’s bad enough I had to teach the bears to actually crap in the woods, not on the trail, and had to educate mice not to nest in my hair, but rather, to gather me nuts and berries and ice-cold soft drinks. So I had to catch up with all of the events of the summer in one week in order to realize the size and scope of the screwups that you people have made.

The Ground Rules

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We all deserve blueberry pancakes. Wait, before your mind wanders to dirty places, I’m not talking about a weird new sexual practice. I’m talkin’ real, warm and gooey, hot-off-the-pan blueberry pancakes. Let me explain.My friend Becca has had some trouble dating recently. Well, she’s gotten some tasty action, but nothing substantial that would result in any sort of long-term relationship.

Tom Forman

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Since the advent of reality TV, executives responsible for this bane of the entertainment industry have gotten increasingly creative in formulating the premises of their brainchildren (ironic since reality shows require no creative writers). These pinheads seldom fail to produce at least one controversial show each season. Remember Survivor: Separate but Equal and FOX’s Skating with Felons? This fall is no different.

Addicted to Love

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I would like to take a moment to step on my soapboxÂ… LetÂ’s talk about addiction. There are lots of people that talk about addiction being a disease. I donÂ’t want to mention any names, because that might get lawyers involved.

Ray C. at the Bat

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Talking ‘bout the mighty Ray C., Steroid-pumped-up, hitting man. And the lady known as Lacy, 
Would he make the one-night stand?Parked beside the moonlit lakeshore, On that steamy Bloodville night. His attempt to make the big score, And to win the age-old fight.Bunt to first, then stealing second. Ray C. lets the bra strap fly. Disregards imagined park taunt, Now he makes the college try.As he has his hand imbedded, In the lady’s private thing. This is where his swing was headed, But dismayed, he finds the string.

School Days, School DaysÂ…

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So now that all the little kiddies have gone back to school, dads are free to have a sick day at home and not worry about the rug rats cramping their style.  C'mon dads, you know you like to have the house to yourselves every once in a while.  It's not like when you were a bachelor and you owned the kingdom.  Now you have to share it, no matter who's paying the bills.

March 2006

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Many people who have gone to college know about the connection between giving blood and drinking. ThatÂ’s because if you give blood, not only are you helping your community, but youÂ’re also able to get drunk on the cheap while your bodyÂ’s a pint low.
If you ever found yourself short on cash, but still wanted to go out and get smashed on Thursday night, you made a trip to the blood center. It made that fourth shot of tequila feel like your seventh or eighth.

Christians Trademark SaviorÂ’s Name

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THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – In a first for property-use rights, a group of Christian ministers have filed with the World Court to trademark the name of their deity. 
Organizers say the move requires the payment of royalties each time “Jesus®” is spoken. It also requires anyone with that name to choose another. Those who refuse could be hit with a lawsuit at the international court or, if they live outside the United States, invasion.

Dear Joe

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Everyone asks me for advice, so I did what everyone should do and started an advice column. Feel free to drop me a line anytime, except between 4 and 6pm, because thatÂ’s when I take off my pants and watch Full House.Dear Joe,I am a nineteen-year-old girl with enormous breasts and low self-esteem. I want to know if you think I should flash my breasts at Mardi Gras?
Confused in Coushatta
Dear Confused,

The Plight of the “White”

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I donÂ’t play “sports.” I play golf, but I mean the physical sports like football, baseball, rodeoÂ…those types of things. The reason for this is that I was born with a not-so-rare physical deformity known as being white. Yes, itÂ’s true. IÂ’m white and because of that, I may never play in the NBA. IÂ’m hoping that, one day, science will find a cure, but IÂ’m not holding my breath. 

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