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Marriage X-piration

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Marriage expiration should be seriously considered for several reasons: Britney and K. Fed, Whitney and Bobby, Ike and TinaÂ…the list goes on. If marriage licenses could be set to expire every two to four years, perhaps people would be less reluctant to get married and less afraid to separate.
Marriage expiration is certainly more appealing than divorce, because you leave with what you came with and there are no court costs. Of course, expiration should be contingent upon reasonable parameters, such as a “no children clause,” among other things.

Mortal Values

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As we go about our daily lives, we are given to forget the things that make our daily lives possible. Part of the reason that we live in peace and comfort is the fact that billions before us died, so they take up less space and generally cause less trouble. Many of them died from natural causes, but others died from supernatural causes, like being killed by some a–hole.

UFC Me in the Parking Lot

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To me, and apparently, many others, there is nothing better than to watch two guys beat each other senseless with flurries of elbows, flying knees, chokes, and arm bars inside of a steel cage. That kind of fighting is much more entertaining than watching boring old boxing, where two guys circle each other, trade very few punches, and usually rely on a decision to determine the winner of the bout.

The Counseling Curmudgeon

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There are many signs of aging: wrinkles, memory loss, and the fear of new technology. Another sign involves offering unsolicited advice. Well, put some fresh tennis balls on my walker, and donÂ’t stand in front of the TV while I watch my Matlock, because IÂ’m about to dish out sage wisdom to some folks out there, whether they want it or not.

Steven Seagal

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Once upon a time, Steven Seagal was a huge box office draw. As a martial arts/action hero, he was one of the highest-paid actors in Hollywood. His movies, like Hard to Kill and Under Siege, earned over $1 billion in ticket and DVD sales during the 1990s. Lately, though, Seagal’s stardom has significantly faded, to the point that his films are almost exclusively of the straight-to-video ilk.

Book ‘em, Knicko

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September is, for all intents and purposes, a boring month. Sure, there's a free Monday off, but what else? Baby Safety Month?! Ramadan begins, Rosh Hashanah happens. Come on, September, get with the program! Your buddies, August and October, are all over it.

Smoked Pork

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Dear Legal Ease,I am a devout Muslim working at a local restaurant. Islamic law prohibits me from touching any pork products. It is "haram," or forbidden. My employer is threatening to terminate me, however, since I refuse to handle food that contains pork, such as bacon cheeseburgers and club sandwiches. If I am fired for observing Allah's commandment, may I sue for religious discrimination?Achmed B.Dear Achmed,

Antonio Takes a Look at the Human Brain

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Last month, we critiqued one of the greatest brains of all time, Albert Einstein, and chronicled the adventures of the doctor who performed Einstein’s autopsy and “commandeered” Einstein’s brain after his death. (Most people find it odd that a glass jar is home for Einstein’s brain, but is it any odder than Elvis being buried in the backyard next to his swimming pool?)
Here are a few other individuals whose achievements have earned them, like Einstein, “genius” status:

Night Shift

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As I was sitting down, getting ready to type this article, I realized that this particular piece would be published in September. Which means that, when you read this, my wedding will only be one month away. One month away, and I still have yet to pick a father-daughter song to dance to, and I have not selected the music that I will have the DJ play at my wedding.

 

LA Loses Another Company to Alabama

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The Great Big StoryLouisiana lost out to Alabama in the economic development wars again last month after a rubber phallus-making company chose Tuscaloosa as the site for a new manufacturing plant.The Delta Dong factory will be built on the University of Alabama campus with GO Zone tax credits and money from the state’s hurricane recovery program. Plans call for the plant to begin turning out large, vibrating dildos in mid-2008.“Actually, we never really considered Louisiana for the plant,” Delta Dong CEO Ted Grundle said.

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