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2007: The Year in Review: Part Two

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2007 was a year when America faced the difficult and serious issue of global warming and took gutsy measures to insure that our children and our children’s children would be spared the catastrophic consequences of…viewing someone else’s half-exposed buttocks. What I’m referring to, of course, is the action taken by towns across America to ban baggy pants.  Many concerned readers have written to me, demanding to know where I, as a presidential candidate, stand on this important issue.It is my position that the penalty should be commensurate with the severity of the crime.

The Writing on the Wall

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Have you taken a close look at the writing on the wall of your favorite watering hole lately? No, seriously, think about this for a second. YouÂ’re only in there for a few minutes, doing, you know, whatever it is you do in the bathroom at the bar (pee, blow, whatever), and all around you are some of the most ridiculous inscriptions you will ever encounter.I went back home to North Carolina recently, and I was out grabbing a beer with some friends, when one of them brought up a joke from the bathroom wall. (As a side note, this place wasnÂ’t even supposed to be serving alcohol.

Pregnancy, Profession, and Prognostication

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2008!  Wow, whoÂ’da thunk it? I thought I'd be dead by now, like John Belushi or Chris Farley, but I guess I'm not famous enough.  Whatever shall I do with these extra 365 – wait! – 366 days that I've been granted by Fate, Destiny, and Providence?! After I take out the garbage.  And tear all of my hair out because Jessica Alba is freakin' pregnant!Speaking of pregnant, I just want to say one thing about Britney's little sister Jamie Lynn Spears being pregnant: Is anyone shocked by this?  And their mother was going to write a book about parenting.

David Pfahler

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This monthÂ’s hero is an unlikely one, to say the least. HeÂ’s David Pfahler, a 60-year-old attorney whoÂ’s suing an 8-year-old boy for injuries he sustained from a collision on a ski slope in Beaver Creek, Colorado.Like martyrs fighting for what they hold dear (in this case, a healthy settlement), Pfahler and his wife have been vilified by an internet lynch mob that has branded them as greedy and irrational.

Father Time is One Mean Mother

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With yet another turn of the calendar, we usher in another new year. For me, that also means another impending birthday, since mine falls on the sixth day of the year. In the Roman Catholic Church, that day is known as the Epiphany, which seems befitting, since the last few times it’s rolled around, I’ve had an epiphany that I’m getting old.With this one, I turn 38, which means I’m only two years from 40. Guys, you know what that means – I’m two years from getting the finger.

The Uncivil Servant: Part XII

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Brad stared at the wall for a minute, contemplating suicide. As was usually the case, it sounded like more work than it was worth. He also had his doubts as to its implications: That whole meeting God thing left him with a sneaking suspicion about what would happen if he did take his own life. He'd be punished. In fact, he was more than slightly afraid that the punishment was already under way.

Spears Me the Drama

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It’s easy to say, “Oops! I did it again,” if you’re Britney Spears. Can you believe it? Britney Spears and her bullsh–t are still managing to damage the national image of the people of Louisiana.Thanks, bitch.Not only Britney is dropping turds on our image; now, her baby sister and her mom are, too. Jamie Lynn Spears is the 16-year-old sister of big Brit and star of Nickelodeon’s TV show Zoey 101.

Red Stick’s Raucous Royalty

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Thanks to the peculiarities of the Catholic calendar, Mardi Gras is extraordinarily early this year. Fat Tuesday falls on February 5, which means that we don’t even get a full month of King Cake season. With so many diabetics in Louisiana, though, maybe that’s a good thing.It also means that the Spanish Town Parade, by far the largest one in Baton Rouge, falls on Saturday, February 2. Since the parade rolls on Groundhog Day, the theme of this year’s festivities is “Flamingeaux Phil Predicts.” What does he predict?

Trekonomic Incentives

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There was a commercial once where the guy who was captain of the space station on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine said, "I want my flying cars." He was talking about why we hadn't moved further technologically than we had at that time. He sounded serious, but it was because he was being paid to sell credit cards or insurance or something.I don't want credit cards, insurance, or flying cars. I'll tell you what I want, Captain: I want that damn space station.We went to the moon before half the people reading this were born. That's right, folks: believe it or not, we went there.

War on Wires

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Wires suck. They tangle. People trip over them. Animals gnaw on them. Musicians lose them. Nerds collect them.We need wires to connect things that need to be connected. How do we connect things without wires? We also use wireless to connect things that need to be connected. We have two options when it comes to connectivity: wires and wireless. Seems like there should be a third option, but that's pretty much it. From there, we just have to work on making more things wireless.

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