The Great Big Story

Anti-abortion activists gathered outside the gates of the Cape Canaveral Air Force Station in Florida last month to rally against a decision to abort the launch of a private space company’s rocket.

“Abortion is murder!” Terry exclaimed as he displayed a jar containing a tiny aborted rocket. “There was no need to abort! There are plenty of other loving, rocketless space companies that would have been blessed to launch that rocket.”

SpaceX commentator Robyn Ringuette said an “out of limits start up parameter” caused the rocket to abort launch just before its scheduled liftoff.

When asked whether SpaceX had considered putting the vehicle up for adoption, she ceased taking questions from reporters.

Terry and his followers insist aborting the mission was wrong no matter the reason. According to literature distributed at the rally, Operation Rescue firmly believes abortion should be illegal in all cases, including when the lives of the astronauts are in danger.

Gulf States Reach Settlement With British Petroleum

The well-publicized back and forth between the governors of the Gulf states and BP CEO Tony Hayward following the Deepwater Horizon disaster has drawn much criticism from the public following several instances of the governors making statements defending BP for the oil spill.

The state leaders’ open defense of the relationship between themselves and Big Oil has led to much questioning of where the men’s priorities truly lie.

In the hopes of ending all speculation as to their true intentions, the five governors of the states surrounding the gulf have put up several million dollars to share with not only their states but the country as a whole their intentions for the future of the governments’ relationship with Big Oil and its executives.

During halftime of next year’s Super Bowl XLV, the five men accompanied by Tony Hayward will step onto a stage on the 50-yard line of Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, TX. Led by guest conductor John Williams, the Boston Pops will begin playing “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” and following a cursory bow to the assembled fans, the men will begin their performance.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal will open by undressing Hayward and commencing a gentle yet sensual full-body massage so that Mr. Hayward may mentally prepare himself for what follows.

When Hayward is sufficiently relaxed, Jindal will transfer duties to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who will perform the classic “Feed the Bunny” and transition into a “Rusty Trombone.”

After Williams has led the orchestra into the finale, cannons will fire as Alabama Governor Bob Riley gently lies Tony back into an expertly executed “Italian Chandelier” underneath a beveled glass coffee table, atop which will be perched a nude and well-greased Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who will complement Riley’s efforts with a “Glass-Bottom Boat.”

Once the music has finished, Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour will lie topless on the center of the stage as the other governors coat him in a thin layer of baby oil.

He will then be joined on stage by master harpist Joanna Newsom and a Lyon and Healy Salzedo Concert Grand harp. Ms. Newsom will begin playing “Ave Maria” from Johann Sebastian Bach’s masterpiece Das Wohltemperirte Clavier.

As the music builds and the audience wipes away tears of pure wonder, Tony Hayward will stand astride Mr. Barbour and finish the performance in a daring “Hot Lunch” to “Chili Dog” combo. 

Weeping with the emotions of a true maestro, Barbour will “snowball” Mr. Hayward as the stage splits open and the Vienna Boys’ Choir rises from below the stadium while singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah.

A spokesman for the men said they look forward to what is sure to be a memorable evening, and that they all hope this will answer any lingering questions about their relationships with oil companies.

Finally, a Better Burger

Fast-food restaurants in the United States have recently been engaged in a war to determine who can unleash the greatest gastronomic assault on the unwitting public.

McDonald’s held sway for decades with their Big Mac, but it was recently unseated by KFC and their game hen of a sandwich the Double Down, a chicken sandwich with actual chicken for buns.

While these palate teasers may suffice as impressive eating in the rest of the country, folks in the South have come to expect more from their food. That’s why the culinary gods at Brew-Bacher’s have decided to unveil what can only be described as a masterpiece of modern gastronomy: the Unholy Baconger.

They begin with a 1-lb. patty of ground applewood-smoked bacon perfectly sautéed in butter then topped with a ½-pound fistful of sharp cheddar cheese, onion rings, sausage gravy, and a fried egg. But clench your teeth for the kicker, Mrs. Puffington, because they aren’t even getting started.

This already perfect piece of dinnertime delight is then nestled delicately between two well-powdered beignets, each the size of one of your fat sweet mama’s hefty buttocks, then one of their artisans patiently cocoons the entirety of this mass inside a tightly woven basket made of ¼-inch-cut high-end French fat back. At this point, the burger is salted, buttered, and blessed by an archbishop before being allowed to rest for two hours so the flavors can “come to life.”

Using a military-grade engine hoist, the fry cook then coats the beast in waffle batter and lowers it gently into the deep fryer. After sufficient cooling time, this opus of the burger world is placed on a platter with chocolate-chip-pancake fries and a side of ham gravy and served with a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke.

Brew-Bacher’s general manager was quoted as saying, “Behold, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg is not a size queen.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Hari-kiri and the Samurai code are, in fact, part of ancient Vietnamese culture.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

East Baton Rouge Parish District Attorney Hillar Moore does not have Lil Boosie on his iPod Shuffle.