The Great Big Story

The recent rash of restaurant closings in Baton Rouge was not caused by the economic downturn but is the result of the establishments not displaying essential sports paraphernalia, according to LSU economist Loren Scott.

Instead, Scott claims the wave of dining establishments going under is a direct result of those businesses lacking the proper exhibition of sports-themed accoutrements.

“All those places had one thing in common: None of them had framed prints of The Advocate commemorating all of LSU’s national championships in baseball and football since 1991 on their walls,” Scott explained.

“How the hell can any restaurateur expect to make it in this city without them?” pondered Scott as he began working on his order of Cajundillas. “It’d be like trying to make a gumbo without making a roux. Why do you think those prints have been dubbed the ‘restaurant starter kit’?”

As he was polishing off his cookie bowl sundae, Scott shared his theory on why certain establishments succeed while others don’t.

“The surest way to thrive in this business in this community is to associate your business with local sports teams as closely as possible,” expounded Scott as he studied his surroundings. “Even a place offering the most pedestrian fare can make a killing if it hosts LSU coaches’ shows.”

Local Ice Cream Man Insists He’s Not a Creep

Despite assumptions many may hold about men in his profession, Gonzales ice cream vendor Sam Pound wants the world to know he’s not a pedophile.

Pound said he’s merely trying to make a living by doing something he enjoys. “There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing adorable kids suck on a big, sticky cone. Wait; that came out wrong.”

After taking several deep breaths to gather his thoughts, Pound resumed his explanation. “What I meant to say is that nothing tugs at my, um, heart on a hot summer day like giving young, sweaty kids, with their glistening, taut skin, a thick, creamy treat.”

Pound then began to pound his forehead with his hand as he stammered incoherently. He eventually walked off saying, “I have to go tell my new neighbors where I live.”

Downtown Homeless Form Civic Group, Plan Promo Blitz

In an effort to help revitalize economic activity in their part of town, homeless residents of Downtown Baton Rouge have developed a civic organization and are looking to kick off a comprehensive advertising campaign aimed at getting more people with spare change to walk the streets where they live.

“We decided to pool together our hard-begged nickels and dimes to do what the Downtown Development District has been promising to do all this time,” Williams said. “We’ve been waiting for their grandiose dreams of a vibrant downtown, teeming with all kinds of people we can shake down, to come true. Well, we’re tired of waiting.

“They’ve been talking about bringing a grocery store down here for years,” Williams continued. “Where is it? Not that we’d actually buy stuff, but we need shopping carts. Homeless people around the rest of the city have tons of them. We deserve them, too.”

When it comes to getting their message out, Williams said BUM will use a frugal, grassroots approach. Plans to spur economic activity include strategically placed cardboard billboards, windshield flyers made from old burger wrappers, and something Williams called “fecal graffiti.”

He said BUM will also use social networking as part of the effort, but they won’t be using Facebook and Twitter, mainly because none of them have computers or phones.

“Our version of social media is real simple,” Williams explained. “We don’t need fancy gadgets or the internet. We’ll get our message out directly to the people by shouting at them while they wait at red lights.”

Williams then asked if we had three dollars to help him buy bus fare to Shreveport.

This Month’s Guest Columnist: Hank Hill – Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane

The folks at the Louisiana Propane Gas Association are a bunch of gibletheads! They’ve besmirched the good name of propane, and they’re supposed to be on our side!

While dining at Applebee’s, I watched the Winter Olympics on the TV set above the bar. Of course, I was rooting for Team USA, even though Shaun White needs a haircut.

All of a sudden, when NBC broke for commercial, I nearly choked on my chargrilled sirloin burger when the LPGA ad started playing. It featured this God-awful song. I think it was called “Propane for Life.”

The lyrics were great, because they extolled the virtues of propane. The song itself, though, was horrible; my crazy neighbor Dale Gribble could have slapped together a better tune on his keyboard.

I couldn’t believe my ears. They idiots at the LPGA are lucky it was a Saturday. Otherwise, as an ambassador for the clean-burning fuel, I would have gone to the LPGA office and kicked somebody’s ass!

When I got home, I got my wife Peggy to research this musical debacle that was supposed to enhance the image of C3H8. She found out on the internet thingamajig that the lady singing the song isn’t even from around here. It said she’s from Western Maryland.

What the hell does a woman from Western Maryland know about propane?!? Dang it, that’s coal country! Dirty, sooty, cough-inducing coal, I tell you what! She probably would have done a better job singing “Coal Miner’s Daughter” than she did trying to sing about sweet lady propane.

The next time the LPGA wants to record a song, they should get my friend John Redcorn. I’m sure his band Big Mountain Fudgecake would do a much better job.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Baton Rouge was dubbed by French explorers for a red stick demarking local Native American territory, not because D’Iberville founded the city during his wife’s time of the month.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The young girl featured in local Re-Bath TV commercials is not the reincarnation of JonBenet Ramsey.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.