It’s only natural that our Independence Day should fall in July, mainly because that’s the month our forefathers adopted the Declaration of Independence. So when else should we do it? September? Nobody likes September. He only gets to come to the parties because he has a fake I.D. and will buy beer for everybody.

John Adams famously told his wife that the 2nd of July would be forever famous because that was the day Congress agreed to the resolution of independence. Unfortunately, the published Declaration was dated on the 4th, and Abigail rode him about it for the rest of his life every time they had any sort of argument.

“Question me not, Abigail! I know well the proper way to store cider for the winter!!!”

“Sure,” she’d reply. “Just like you knew we’d all celebrate Independence Day on the 2nd, right?”

Since then, Americans have been renowned for our patriotism, happily putting aside morals and personal ethics in favor of supporting our country as the greatest place on earth, simply because we were born here.

But lately, with the liberals hating on America for the war and the conservatives hating on America for forcing their children to learn written history and scientific facts, it seems we as a people are slowly falling out of love with the truth of who our Founding Fathers were and what they really expected of their descendants. They weren’t utopian visionaries, but neither were they Bible-thumping theologians.

So what do we do in an age where our flag has become little more than a limp and lifeless shield against ideas we don’t agree with?

Lucky for us, there are twelve other countries that were kind enough to win their independence in the month of July. So why not hop on somebody else’s bandwagon for a bit and see if we’re really as awesome as talk radio tells us we are?

And if you have a moment, maybe pick up a copy of the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson was pretty handy with a quill.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Celebrate Somalia’s independence on the 1st by holding a container ship hostage in what seems to have become their national pastime.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Belarus gained independence on the 3rd. Mull this over while reading some of the collected works of their greatest poet, Ivan Daminikavich Lutsevich. Or you could just try to learn how to say his name.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Dance the joropo in honor of Venezuela’s July 5th holiday. I’d really like to dig on them at this point by making fun of Hugo Chavez, but every Venezuelan I’ve ever known has been just the nicest person.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Join in Algeria’s independence day celebration on the 5th by getting kicked in the nuts in the first minute of overtime by the U.S. “TASTE THE SWEET FLAVOR, ALGERIA!!! TASTE IT!!!!”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The 9th is Argentina’s national holiday. Enjoy a bottle of one of their fine Malbecs, which goes great with penguin. Fitting since they own a large chunk of Antarctica.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In honor of the Bahamas, spend all day on the 10th listening to The Baha Men’s perennial classic “Who Let The Dogs Out?” You can thank me in two hours when that song is still stuck in your head. “Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the dogs out?”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): France’s Bastille Day (the 14th) is celebrated just like our Independence Day, right down to the military parades and fireworks. Only they don’t bathe and they let their kids drink alcohol. Don’t get ahead of me now, Livingston Parish.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Rock out on Colombia’s independence day (the 20th) with an eight ball and a copy of Romancing the Stone. “You’re the Joan Wilder? I love your books!!!” Alfonso Arau, you are a genius…

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Start the 21st with some Belgian waffles, a delicacy actually invented in Belgium. They also invented french fries. In fact, their national dish, steak and fries with salad (true), is way more American than our national dish, the burrito.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): On the 26th, they celebrate independence day in the Maldives, a series of islands renowned for beautiful diving spots. Maybe you could pop on some goggles and dive headfirst into the LSU lakes.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Celebrate Peru’s independence on the 28th by eating one of their national delicacies, the guinea pig. They’re surprisingly cheap and, when butterflied, fit neatly on a George Foreman Grill. Just don’t tell the folks at Petsmart what you’re doing with it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): On the 30th, join in with the inhabitants of Vanuatu and become a man by leaping from a hand-built wooden scaffold with nothing but vines tied to your ankles. If you don’t do it, you’ll never get your own cattle.