As football season begins, Baton Rouge gets highlights of the (literally) Fightin’ Tigers1, and Pittsburgh gets video of the Steelers. Here in western PA, I recently saw something about the “storied rivalry between the Ravens and the Steelers.”

Is anyone aware that the Ravens franchise has only been around since 1996? The only way that your family can have generations of Ravens fans is if you are a dog. The Pittsburgh/Baltimore “rivalry” is nothing more than an attempt to sell T-shirts like these:

A real rivalry comes from the competitors, not the fans or media. The competition in a rivalry is intensified by athletes’ mutual respect, not by the kidnapping of mascots.

To make rivalries abundantly clear, I will detail some examples. I have already outlined them carefully on a paper bag that says: LAZY GATOR, Murrell’s Inlet, Myrtle Beach. (I have never been to Myrtle Beach).

Peyton Manning and neck surgery: Not a rivalry. It’s more “the classic struggle of a man who doesn’t want his head to fall off.”

Boston Celtics and New York Knicks: Celtics captain Paul Pierce said it best. Last December, the Celtics and Knicks were both on winning streaks when they were scheduled to play each other. All too quickly, reporters used the word “rivalry” when they asked Pierce about the matchup.

“Hey, if [a rivalry is] what y’all want it to be,” Pierce told ESPNBoston.com. “If it’ll sell more tickets and get more viewers, then I guess so.” Pierce continued, “[The media makes] up the rivalries, we don’t.”

Pierce knew how absurd it was for the media to be the ones making the rivalries. We’re not the ones playing the games.

Duke Blue Devils and UNC Tarheels (basketball): This is a real rivalry. It stems from the respect between winning coaches eight miles apart. Note that they don’t like each other; Roy Williams has gotten pretty fired up when Mike Kryshev — er, … Kzyzxzch — er, … KPMG — er, … Coach K has said things about how UNC reports injuries. But Williams still respects Coach K.

This past winter, Williams told the Charlotte Observer: “No one can have more respect for what Mike has done than I do.” Likewise, Coach K has fired the guy he hired to spit in Williams’ drinks.

Seriously, the point is that the two wouldn’t hate each other so much if they both didn’t win so much. Respect between coaches that intensifies competition signals rivalry.

LSU and Alabama (football): I’m going to get a lot of nitpickers on this one, but this is NOT a real rivalry. In recent years, the hype stems from the Saban-haters: all those who still feel jilted since Saban’s return to college football didn’t bring him back to Death Valley.

Do Saban and Miles respect each other? I’m sure they do. But there is nothing unusual enough about it to make this a rivalry. The same thing goes for the players.

College football programs have immense respect for anyone who plays on their own level. Their desire to beat opponents is in no way affected by the amount of toilet paper in their trees on game day. (Their desire to beat drunk fans may be affected, however.)

Ben Hartz and Zach Sufrin: This IS a real rivalry. Don’t nod like you know what I’m talking about; you’ve never heard of these guys. I am borrowing an example from work2, because it is really good.

This past spring, Hartz and Sufrin were both pitchers for the Shady Side Academy Indians baseball team. They grew up together in an area called Squirrel Hill, so they were always in pitching competition with each other. As high school students on the same team, their mutual desire to be the No. 1 pitcher took the Indians to the end of April undefeated. So, not only is this a real rivalry, it has a pretty cool effect.

Pitt and WVU (basketball): This is NOT a rivalry so much as hatred on a jihad level.

I hope these examples have cleared things up regarding rivalries. This way, whenever someone says “You need to come over and watch the big rivalry game between the Saints and Falcons,” enjoy it. But don’t spend your money on a rude T-shirt. Such a game should be good, but it’s really because the Saints would want to beat the snot out of any team on their schedule that day.

Remember, if you really need to, you can bite your thumb at Atlanta for free.

1 Someone needs to tell Jordan Jefferson, Chris Davenport, Joshua Johns, and Jarvis Landry not to take the lyrics of “Hey, Fightin’ Tigers” literally.