2007 was a year when America faced the difficult and serious issue of global warming and took gutsy measures to insure that our children and our children’s children would be spared the catastrophic consequences of…viewing someone else’s half-exposed buttocks. What I’m referring to, of course, is the action taken by towns across America to ban baggy pants. Many concerned readers have written to me, demanding to know where I, as a presidential candidate, stand on this important issue.It is my position that the penalty should be commensurate with the severity of the crime. That’s why I’ve proposed the following model sentencing guidelines:
Quarter Moon $50
Half Moon $100
Full Moon, Angelina Jolie $0
“Butt” seriously, there were many important things going on in 2007 other than the movement to “crack” down on people who “rear-end” others without provocation, such as…
The New Orleans Saints:He’ll Have the Buffet
In January, the coach of the New Orleans Saints, Sean Payton, was named NFL Coach of the Year for 2006 – a tremendous accomplishment when you consider he spent the entire 2006 season standing on the sidelines, intensely studying what was supposed to be a list of his offensive plays, but which, in reality, was a menu from Shoney’s. It’s not surprising that, with all the spying going on the NFL in 2007, the rest of the league obtained copies of the same menu, and the Saints were unable to duplicate the success they had in 2006:
“It was like, every time I gave the signal for our favorite play, ‘The Big Boy,’ opposing defenses knew exactly what we were going to run,” moaned Saints quarterback Drew Brees.
Got a Coach, Now Get a Life
In April, 92,000 fans attended Alabama’s spring football game.
Tiger Fans Welcome Mike VI
On the morning of September 1, Mike VI, f/k/a Roscoe the Tiger, made his debut in the LSU tiger habitat to a crowd of adoring Tiger fans. Like proud parents ogling over their firstborn child, LSU fans oohed and aahed over the playful tiger’s every move:
“Ooh! Look at him run!”
“Aah! Look at him go in the water!”
“Ooh! Look at him eat the landscaping!”
Toto, We’re Not in Ar-Kansas Anymore
Les “I Love Michigan” Miles ended speculation that he would take the vacant head coaching job at Michigan by calling a press conference and clearly announcing his intentions shortly before the SEC Championship Game:
“AT THIS VERY MOMENT…1:04 PM, ACCORDING TO MY WATCH…I AM THE LSU FOOTBALL COACH. NOW, PLEASE STAND AND JOIN WITH ME AS WE SING THE MICHIGAN ALMA MATER.”
But just what was the real story behind Michigan trying to lure Miles away from LSU? As always, you can’t expect to get the truth from the Powers That Be. But in this “Mental Vacation” Exclusive Investigative Report, I have been able to piece together the following chain of events, based on my most reliable sources, i.e., speculation and rumor:
· November 17, 2007: Alabama loses 21-14 to the University of Louisiana at Monroe.
· November 18, 2007: Nick Saban’s wife looks at houses in Baton Rouge.
· November 19, 2007: Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigns.
· November 26, 2007: A private jet arrives at Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport, then leaves.
· December 1, 2007: ESPN announces that Les Miles will be the next head football coach at the University of Michigan.
· December 2, 2007: A UFO is spotted over Tyler, Texas.
There you have it! All the mystery and intrigue of a best-selling novel!
Luckily, LSU administrators took a proactive approach and signed Les Miles to a new contract, which is the same as the old contract, except it imposes a $1.2 million penalty should Miles, in the future, get teary-eyed when someone says the word “Michigan.”
Weekly World News Disappears from the Newsstands
In August, alien abductions and Elvis sightings suffered a dramatic setback as the last issue of Weekly World News hit the grocery store checkout lines. This black-and-white tabloid first caught my eye many years ago with the headline “Doctors Report First Successful Head Transplant.” I mourn WWN’spassing. It was the only thing that made my wait in the checkout line at Wal-Mart bearable.
But fear not, dedicated psychos of the world: the Weekly World News lives on through the miracle of the internet. A review of a recent issue on the News’ website revealed such stories as “Honeymoon Couple Attacked by Goldfish” and “Trucker Abducted – Returns With Alien Prostate.”
Meanwhile, in a headline worthy of the Weekly World News…
Ray Nagin Contemplates Running for Governor
In August, there was speculation that Ray Nagin was considering running for governor, despite the fact that his brain is not connected to his vocal cords. He later decided not to run when the Republicans, in an effort to split the goofy vote, threatened to run Woody Woodpecker as an independent candidate. Speaking of avoiding a catastrophic disaster…
I-10 Mississippi River Bridge Gets Mixed Grades
After the bridge disaster in Minneapolis, the thought on every Baton Rougean’s mind was: “What kind of grade would our own bridge get?” The results were a mixed bag, according to Governor Kathleen Blanco:
“Well, I would first give the Baton Rouge bridge a ‘B’ for ‘Bridge’ – for it most certainly isa bridge, and a ‘C’ for ‘Concrete,’ because it’s got lots of concrete in it. But there’s no cause for alarm until the bridge gets an ‘F,’ which means, ‘Take the Ferry.’”
Federal Judge Orders Jefferson’s Assets Frozen
In June, U.S. Representative William Jefferson was indicted on public bribery charges, and a federal judge ordered all of his assets frozen, to which Jefferson responded, “But Judge, my assets are already frozen.”
Corps Tests Pumps
As hurricane season approached, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers busied itself testing pumps on the levees of the City of New Orleans. After putting their pumps through several weeks of rigorous testing, Col. Jeffrey Bimbody declared the testing a success: “My men have marched up and down these levees for several weeks now, wearing heels as high as five inches, and the levees have held up beautifully,” said the Colonel. “I wish I could say the same for the feet of my men,” he added with a wry smile.
In addition to testing the structural soundness of the levees with the most brutal footwear, the Corps also busied itself testing pumps designed to pump water out of the city’s canals and into Lake Pontchartrain. These pumps brought a new concept in the field of flood protection to the City of New Orleans: they were designed to continue working during a flood. (Hey! Who knows? It’s so crazy, it just might work!)
Congress Says, “No Way, Jose!” to Bush’s Immigration Bill
As the year progressed, President Bush, facing mounting opposition to his immigration bill, argued: “Those people opposed to this bill simply haven’t read it.” Democrats, in a display of the partisan bickering that was typical of 2007, responded that Bush probably hadn’t read the immigration bill either…that he’s probably never read a Congressional bill his entire life, that he probably wouldn’t even know a bill if he saw one, to which Bush replied, “I personally went over this bill myself over lunch just the other day, and I didn’t see anything wrong with it, except I had the enchiladas instead of the fajitas.”
Karl Rove Resigns
In August, George Bush’s subpoena-dodging and indictment-evading political strategist, Karl Rove, bid an emotional goodbye to President Bush on the White House lawn. Rove was considered to be a political genius for developing the Republican concept that 9/11, occurring eight months into Bush’s term of office, was the Democrats’ fault, due to “letting our guard down” during the Kennedy administration.
In September, President Bush panicked when he discovered that, before leaving, Karl Rove packed up every bit of executive privilege left in the White House and took it with him.
The 2007 Governor’s Race
In July, Bobby Jindal crawled out of a hole, saw that he was way ahead in the polls, and crawled back in the hole for three more months. Although he didn’t win his bid for governor, Walter Boasso was awarded “Best New Comedic Face of 2007.” Foster Campbell, suffering from a rare condition that makes him look and act like a cross between John Wayne and a Looney Tunes cartoon character, rode a horse in his TV spots. If elected, he promised to clear brush, mend barbwire fences, and catch that cwazy wabbit!